"...nothing makes a man feel better than a woman..."

- Some of the profiles on MySpace fascinate me. It astounds me how many people are in the early 20s, have just a high school diploma yet still somehow earn over $250,000 per year. Why the crap did I toil for four years in college? I should have just hung out with these people. I never realized that working the night shift at Wal-Mart could be so lucrative.

- I'm the head of the grammar Nazi, so I'm already not the biggest fan of internet shorthand. And now there's this new fad where Nigerians type things the same way that they speak them. The mix of the two can be infuriating. It shouldn't take me 10 minutes to figure out someone is trying to say "You're old enough to know better" when they type "ur hold enuff 2 no beta."

- Now, I make no claims at being a sociologist or a relationship expert, but I think I know what the basic division between the two sexes is. Men and women are different. But that's not the problem. See, men are simple creatures and women are complex. But that's not the issue either. This is the crux of the matter: men don't understand why women are so complicated and women refuse to believe how simple men are.

Ladies, I guarantee you one thing. Within the next week, you will come across a man who is just looking away with his brow furrowed. And without knowing who he is, without knowing who you are and without knowing where you and he might be, I can tell you exactly what is going through that man's head.

Nothing.

See, men do that. We just have moments where we zone out. We're not doing anything, we're not thinking anything. We're just...there. But women aren't like that. There's always something going on with women. And they refuse to believe that men might not operate this way.

Most guys can relate to this: You might be with a lady. You're feeling her, she's feeling you. You're thinking, "This is nice. I can dig this." But then she has to go and ask one of those crazy questions. "What are you thinking?" "How are you feeling?" And the first thought that comes to the guy is, "Ah, crap!!!!!" Because ladies, you have to understand that, for men, these are unnatural questions. You'll never see one man ask these kinds of questions to another man. But they're important to women because women are always "thinking" and "feeling." So now the guy has two options. He can answer honestly, which is usually this: "Nothing." But that's never the right answer. His other option is to say what he thinks she wants to hear. But that's dangerous too. Because 92 percent of the time what the guy says is the wrong thing. So now she's upset because he tried to say what he thought she wanted to hear but wasn't. See how that lack of understanding the other convolutes everything? But the other eight percent of the time is just as dangerous. Because now the girl is happy with the guy's answer. And what does that mean? Now she wants to talk. Which the guy never wants to do, but he has to and it just gives him more opportunities to say something wrong.

The simple truth is this: men and women will never understand one another. Men will never understand women because there is waaaaaaaaay too much going on with women that we just don't get. Trying to get a man to understand a woman is akin to giving a calculus equation to a kindergarten kid who just learned basic arithmetic. But women will never understand men either. They actually could, but they never try to learn about men from men. Every time a woman is confused by her boyfriend who does she turn to? Her girlfriends. And what do her girlfriends do? Say way too many things that are 100 percent WRONG.

Here's my final analysis. Guys, the survival of the relationship depends on us. We have to put forth the effort in at least attempting to understand women. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it can dang near drive us crazy. But if you have a good woman, the reward is worth it.

Or so I've heard. I'm single, so what the crap do I know?

TITLE TAKEN
Method Man; "All I Need"